January 24, 2012

Who Am I, Part Three: A Brother

There are a lot of times that I really wish I could find, and be with God completely in my solitude. It would be a lot less painful to just go and sit under my personal bodhi tree and be at one with Him, rather than looking for Him where he is truly to be found.

The sunken eyes of the hungry children. The cries and tears of the widow. The anger of the betrayed. The nameless dread of the condemned prisoner.

In other words, in you; in the hunger, loneliness, anger, and fear that is in you.

You scare me.

I see your successes, and can think of nothing but my failures.
I see your pain, and know that I'm simply trying my best to hide mine, but don't do a good job at it.
I see you reach out to know who I am, and think that you will think as poorly of me as I do of myself.
I see your weakness and need for love, and get angry at myself for needing the same.

You scare me, because I'm afraid of the things I see in myself that I see in you.

Being an only child, I haven't the slightest idea of what it means to be a brother to someone. The closest I can imagine is the relationship I have with my life-long best friend, Ed. Through the years, even during the times that we have wanted to come to blows with each other, we've been there for each other in times of crisis, and stand with each other against anyone that wants to harm the other.

As little as I know how to be His child, I know that much less about how to be your brother.

His Grace is sufficient, and His power is perfected in weakness. Your weakness. My weakness.

To let His power be perfected in my weakness, I have to be unafraid to touch your weakness. And to let you touch my own weakness.

That scares me most of all.

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